Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Slowly, Step by Step Forward

I have developed a real aversion to learning new software. No, really, this is PTSD territory.
Here is how it's going. I set aside time to work on my very first visual novel. I am going to decide on a story. I'd like to do something quick and short more as practice than try to get into something 50K words. I start going through all the manuscript stashes here and there. I get overwhelmed. Literally end up in bed with a book.
I get up the next day and say fine, I'll do SpazKat. Maybe I'll release it a few chapters at a time. I rewrite the first chapter into more of a script for a visual novel treatment.
A few days later, I sit down to draw for the novel. I sketch the first background, deciding to embed the first two human characters into it. So I go to Daz3D to build the two characters, as I have convinced myself that would be the way to go. Create them, then be able to pose them as I need them. I end up in bed with a book.
Next time I sit down, I go find stock photos for those two characters. I'm going to draw them over and over in PSP9 because - I can do that.
I'm leaving out the stomach aches, headaches, muffled screaming, hair pulling, and eating binges.
But I am making a little bit of progress in that direction.
Meanwhile, to add to my woe we have made the painful and difficult decision to sell Firefly. First of all, in this apartment our basic needs budget is $200 over our income - thanks to losing all the State benefits. There are cheaper apartments but we will have to come up with a deposit and money for credit checks. I've been scraping us by between my little Turk and Amazon incomes, and rotating which bills get paid :P and the help of dear friends. Many of the cheaper apartments have NO parking - or no parking for Firefly. If I put her in storage it will be $60 - $100 a month, although I will be able to drop insurance. Next month her tags are due - meaning I either have to get her through the Smog test, and the Nevada inspection (and how's our luck going on that?), pay tags, and the insurance is going up substantially (I saw that coming). I mentioned the budget is already $200 a month short?
This sets off sheer terror in my heart. Without Firefly, I could become one of those sad souls wandering up and down the alley - worse, James could become one with me. But as it is, I'm not sure she could make it out of town let alone out of the State. She needs work - it's minor, but we cannot afford it. And there simply is no RV park or other place that we can park her and live in her in Las Vegas in her current condition, and at her age.
I am one lucky woman. For three years (her gotcha day was April 1st!) I lived my dream life.
True, for the last year I mostly held onto it by the skin of my teeth - and the dream never included having to pray for 4 hours 3 days a week that the fuck ups at the dialysis clinic didn't kill my husband today.
This is a new life, in a new place, and with his dialysis now settled and a wonderful doctor and circle of healers gradually growing around us, it is time for me to face the facts and release the dream - so I can build a new one.
But it's still going to be emotionally rocky for me, no getting around it.
I may be spending a lot of time curled up on the bed with a book.

Thank you to all the wonderful, dear, kind, friends who have been helping us now and in the past. We'd never make it without you and you cannot imagine how much I appreciate you. I know at least you are going to move forward into this new dream with us :D


  1. Sometimes we have to settle for 2nd best and a new lifestyle dictated by our health. You've had a little of your dream and I hope you will find comfort once you adjust to being in this new life.

    1. Thank you. You have hung in with us through a lot of trials, and I do appreciate you. I'm pretty sure that in time I will come to love Vegas. There's a lot I like about it now. Not least of which is having an enormous burden of worry lifted off my shoulders. I feel now like I'm going to have my husband to share my life with for many years to come, and that's the greatest gift of all.


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